


You say fate wasn't kind to me (but I just can't believe you)

by Floople_Doople



Series: I will face the Goddess and walk backwards into hell (if it means I get to protect you) [4]
Category: Fire Emblem Series, Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: ....and after saying that, Ableism, Angst, Autism Spectrum, Autistic Character, Autistic Lorenz Hellman Gloucester, Autistic Meltdown, Count Gloucester's A+ Parenting, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, IM GIVING YOU FAIR WARNING HERE AND NOW, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Lord Goneril's Actual A+ Parenting, M/M, No happy ending here folks, Unhappy Ending, Wyverns, forgive me despite my experience here i still dont know how to tag, if you didn't like Lorenz before this maybe I can change that with shitty writing, thats a tag?? huh, uhhh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-08
Updated: 2019-12-08
Packaged: 2021-02-26 04:08:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,008
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21717406
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Floople_Doople/pseuds/Floople_Doople
Summary: Lorenz did wonder why Father was taking him to the Goneril estate. He did not want to ask though.He could tell Father was already disappointed with him, he did not wish to disappoint him further.Aka, snapshots of Lorenz during his childhood after meeting Hilda and Sylvain
Relationships: Lorenz Hellman Gloucester & Hilda Valentine Goneril, Miklan Anschutz Gautier/Holst Goneril, Sylvain Jose Gautier & Hilda Valentine Goneril, Sylvain Jose Gautier & Lorenz Hellman Gloucester, Sylvain Jose Gautier/Lorenz Hellman Gloucester
Series: I will face the Goddess and walk backwards into hell (if it means I get to protect you) [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1510841
Comments: 18
Kudos: 69





	You say fate wasn't kind to me (but I just can't believe you)

**Author's Note:**

> Uhhh fair warning there is a meltdown in this fic? Letting you know ahead of time, if you want to skip the section entirely, stop reading at "Though they played outside often whenever Lorenz visited the Goneril estate" and scroll until you see another bunch of dashes bc thats my way of separating sections
> 
> ALSO IM SO SO SORRY THIS TOOK SO LONG I GOT SLAM DUNKED BY ONE HELL OF A COLD THAT IM NOT EVEN SURE W AS A COLD and another warning I'm not autistic as far as I know?? So apologies in advance if anything seems out of place or weird jksfjg

If Lorenz had to be honest at that very moment, he was rather nervous. Father had informed him that they would be traveling to Goneril territory. Lorenz hadn’t asked why - it must have been important if they had to travel in order to discuss these terms rather than sending letters. Besides, he couldn't ask Father - he’s the heir to House Gloucester, he should be smart enough to know what Father’s intentions were. If he couldn’t figure it out on his own, it would only prove that he was...not fit to inherit House Gloucester. That in itself had been why Lorenz had stayed quiet the trip there, only speaking to greet Lord Goneril when they had arrived. 

Belatedly, he realized that he had been running his hand through his hair. And Father was already staring at him, eyes narrowing in disapproval and a frown settling on his face. Lorenz quickly forced himself to stop. Father had enough reasons to be disappointed in him; Lorenz did not want to add to it.

Lord Goneril gave him an odd look - Lorenz wished he could shrink, choosing to stare at his hands. Not only had he upset his father, but he had disturbed Lord Goneril. How many mistakes was he going to make today? 

He heard the doors open, but chose not to look up. He continued to stare at his hands, ignoring the odd feeling he had as he forced them to stay still. Suddenly Father nudged his shoulder, and Lorenz looked up, finally realizing that Lord Goneril had been speaking to whoever had entered the room.

“...his son, Lorenz Hellman Gloucester.” Lorenz found himself staring at the two people who had entered the room. One boy and one girl, presumably Lord Goneril’s children based on hair color. The younger of the two, the girl, proceeded to stare at him until Lorenz had to force himself not to squirm under her gaze. 

Father didn’t like it when he refused to look people in the eye. He didn’t want to disappoint Father more than he already had by not meeting her eyes, no matter how uncomfortable he felt. Thankfully, she eventually stopped, her gaze shifting to look at her father with a weird look. Confused, maybe?

“Lorenz, these are my children.” Lorenz struggled not to jump when Lord Goneril began speaking. He gestured to the older boy, who seemed to grin as wide as he could once Lorenz looked at him. “This is my son, Holst Veltino Goneril.”

Then he gestured to the girl, who still seemed to be glancing between her father and his every so often. Probably because this was her first time meeting Father. “And this is my daughter, Hilda Valentine Goneril.”

The girl, Hilda, did a small curtsey when her father introduced her. Holst had bowed when he was introduced. Lorenz couldn’t help but feel ashamed that he had not done the same when Lord Goneril had introduced him - already, they must have a poor impression of him. Father must be so disappointed in him. 

As quickly as he could, he stood from where he sat and bowed. 

“It is a pleasure to meet you,” he said as he bowed, waiting a moment before standing up straight again.

Hilda only stared at him. Lorenz felt his hands twitch at his sides, but he forced them to stay where they were. Holst nodded at his bow before smiling. Something curled in Lorenz’s stomach. Why was he smiling? Did he do something wrong? Was he amused by Lorenz’s delay? What was it?

“So you’re supposed to be the guy I’m marrying?” Hilda spoke suddenly, and Lorenz had to stop himself from freezing in place. Marriage? Was that why they were here? 

...Perhaps Lorenz should have expected it. Father must have expected him to, if he didn’t mention it beforehand. Lorenz must be truly hopeless if he’s already ruining his chances with his future wife. 

(Admittedly, there was a part of Lorenz that felt...uncomfortable, with the fact that he would be marrying a girl he did not know well at all. A girl whose name he had only just learned today. But he knew better than to voice those discomforts. Father was no doubt already upset with him for how this meeting had begun, he did not wish to make him more upset.)

Lord Goneril nodded in response to Hilda’s question, as did Father. Lorenz simply looked at his feet, before remembering Father’s lessons and looking up again. Hilda gave him another odd look that made him want to look away. What did it  _ mean _ ?

“As per our agreement,” Lord Goneril began, “Hilda and Lorenz will not be wed until they both come of age. Until then, Lorenz is to visit the Goneril estate at least twice a month so that he and Hilda may form a bond.”

Lorenz tried not to wince when he heard that. It...It really shouldn’t be surprising. And besides, at least this way he would be able to get to know Hilda much better before they were to be wed.

...somehow he still wasn’t happy with this. Which was silly, he should be grateful that he at least got the chance to get to know his future wife. Yet...he wasn’t.

Father sighed before nodding. “Of course. Lorenz.”

Lorenz turned to look at Father, forcing himself to look him in the eye. 

“You will be staying here for now. I will return in a week’s time; use this time to grow closer with Hilda.” Lorenz forced himself to nod at Father’s words, but he could already feel his throat closing up with panic.

Father was just going to leave him here? Had he disappointed Father so greatly that he wanted to leave him behind? Lorenz could feel his hands twitching at his sides. No, no that...that couldn’t be it. Father did say he would return in a week. Perhaps he thought that it would be best for Lorenz to start forming a bond with Hilda now?

...That had to be it.

Father stood from his seat, looking at Lorenz directly in the eyes. Lorenz squirmed under his gaze - though he could not look away. Just another of Father’s tests. He was...displeased, with Lorenz’s tendency to avoid eye contact, and this was his way of repairing that. After a moment, he nodded.

“Good-bye, Lorenz. I trust that you will not disappoint.” And with that he walked out of the door.

The unspoken “again” hung heavy over Lorenz. His father was being generous enough to give him another chance to repair his mistakes, and for that he was grateful. Once Father was outside, the door closed behind him, Lord Goneril coughed. Lorenz turned to face him, and was admittedly startled to see the smile on his face. 

It was...very different from the one he had on earlier. Lorenz didn’t know how to even describe the difference, but it was there, clear as day. Somehow...warmer? More relaxed? Lorenz didn’t know. It did remind him of the smile Holst had on earlier, when he had finally gotten the sense to bow and introduce himself. 

“I’m gonna show Lorenz around the estate, okay Dad?” Hilda asked, and Lord Goneril nodded. Suddenly she was in front of him, taking his hand in hers and pulling them along. Lorenz was still trying to process the fact that she had so suddenly taken his hand to realize that she was pulling him along.

“Well, I said I’d give you a tour, but this place is so huge that I’d never be able to do it by myself,” she complained, which was strange considering she had a smile on her face, “so we’re gonna be getting some help.”

Lorenz couldn’t find it in him to respond, so he just nodded. Though, it didn’t seem like his answer would have mattered with the speed that she was walking. Eventually they reached what Lorenz assumed was the garden. It reminded Lorenz of home, though instead of roses, the Goneril estate had several other kinds of flowers that Lorenz had never seen before. Up ahead was a boy that was around their age, seemingly wandering around before he noticed that they were approaching. Once he did, he turned to them and grinned.

Belatedly, Lorenz took in the red shock of his hair and compared them to the honey color of his eyes. He couldn’t help but think they suited him very well.

“Hiya Hildy,” he began, surprising Lorenz with how familiar he sounded with Hilda, “so, who’s the lost-looking kid?”

\----------------------------

If Lorenz had to be honest, he wasn’t sure what to make of the Gonerils. They were pleasant enough to be around, Lorenz knew that despite not having known them for all that long. But there were a lot of things that still left him puzzled.

For example, Holst Veltino Goneril. Lorenz had heard from his father that Holst was a respected general, one of the most prominent if not the most prominent in fighting back the Almyrans from Fodlan’s Throat. He held a rather fearsome reputation, known for riding into battle on his wyvern and fighting off hordes of Almyrans at a time. Truthfully, Lorenz had expected Holst to be as stoic and fearsome as his reputation said he was.

So forgive Lorenz for being surprised to find out that Holst was the complete opposite. The Holst that fought against the Almyrans and led his troops with near flawless leadership seemed to be very different from the Holst that constantly hovered around Hilda and Sylvain whenever possible, if he was not training or with the man Lorenz now knew to be Miklan. 

Holst’s interactions with Miklan were also confusing. They were courting one another - with Lorenz having been introduced to Miklan by Holst as “his darling Miklan who he loved to the ends of the earth”, as said man turned red in response - but they still managed to confuse Lorenz. Holst was so...open with his affection towards Miklan, from his introduction to how he’d always stare so blatantly happily at Miklan when the other was talking, to how he constantly greeted the redhead with such open displays of affection! Not to mention how, no matter how embarrassed he would be in the moment, Miklan returned said affections most of the time!

Lorenz couldn’t even think of a time where Father and Mother were that affectionate, even in private. Yet Holst and Miklan were so...open, with their affections. It was terribly confusing, and that was just Holst.

Lord Goneril confused him even more.

Lorenz, not for lack of trying, couldn’t seem to wrap his head around Lord Goneril and how he interacted with his children, both Sylvain and Miklan included...along with how he interacted with Lorenz himself. It’s not as though he was cruel; not at all! Yet...if Lorenz had to try and put it into words, Lord Goneril was...rather overwhelming.

He...how could he say this? Lord Goneril was a kind man, that was definite. The lengths that his kindness went was entirely baffling. He would ruffle Holst’s hair, causing the latter to swat away his hand with a smile. He would ask Hilda about her progress on the accessories she was making, and occasionally let her put them in his hair, even if it was before an important meeting. Miklan would occasionally approach him, and Lorenz would watch them simply speak with one another about seemingly nonsensical things. Sylvain had the gall to prank him once, despite Lorenz pleading him not to, and Lord Goneril simply laughed it off!

...Truthfully, it made Lorenz...maybe not  _ nervous _ , though he was definitely unsettled. Lord Goneril’s patience had to run out eventually, did it not? Father’s patience certainly wore thin, especially with how often Lorenz managed to disappoint him. So when would Lord Goneril’s finally run out?

Lorenz had asked Sylvain as much, once.

“Huh? What’re you talking about?” Sylvain said, sounding rather confused.

“W-Well…” Lorenz’s hands had twitched at his sides, but he forced them still as Father had taught him. “I’m talking a-about when Lord Goneril w-will finally…”

Lorenz tried to keep his face neutral, but he was starting to regret asking in the first place. Goddess, he had just made the whole situation worse, hadn’t he? And how was he supposed to explain that he wanted to know when Lord Goneril would lose his patience so that he would be ready?

Both were silent for a moment. Then something in Sylvain’s expression changed. Lorenz didn’t know what it changed to.

“If you’re worrying about Lord Goneril losing his temper, then don’t.” Lorenz couldn’t stop his eyes widening in surprise. How had Sylvain known what he was thinking? Sylvain smiled - though, there was something wrong with it. It seemed strained, somehow. “He’s a really patient guy, and even if he gets mad, he’s really understanding. As long as you aren’t trying to hurt anyone, you’ll be fine.”

Sylvain’s smile faded slightly. His eyes narrowed as well, and Lorenz couldn’t stop the shiver that went up his spine. Had he made Sylvain angry in asking?

“I just wanna know something,” Sylvain began, raising an eyebrow, “why you would ask something like that? Something you wanna say?”

Oh Goddess, he  _ had _ made Sylvain angry by asking. Just from asking one question. It took Lorenz too long to realize that his hand had started running through his hair again, and he quickly forced it back to his side.

“N-No, n-not at-at all, u-um, t-thank you f-for answering m-my question,” Lorenz stammered out, cursing himself for not even being able to speak without stuttering before quickly walking away. He never turned around to see how Sylvain had reacted, and if Sylvain said anything in response, he didn’t hear it.

The next time they ran into one another, Sylvain didn’t even bring up their previous conversation. In fact, if the strange look on Sylvain’s face hadn’t been stuck in his mind since their conversation ended, Lorenz would have wondered if he simply imagined the whole thing. 

Though sometimes, in the corner of his eye, Lorenz would see Sylvain giving him that odd look again. Lorenz had never seen it before, and he wasn’t sure what it meant. The most he could figure out about it was that it would almost always appear when he was speaking about Father, or the few times they crossed paths when Father dropped him off at the Goneril estate or arrived to bring him back home.

Lorenz wished he knew what that look meant, because sometimes he would see Lord Goneril give a similar look to Father.

\------------------------

Hilda was a pleasant person to be around, Lorenz could say that. Sylvain was as well, the occasional odd look aside. They were still immeasurably kind, to put up with Lorenz and...his oddities. It made him feel ill to think about how often he must have inconvenienced them, yet they never seemed to mind.

One such time happened before the day had even begun! They had been eating breakfast together in the dining hall - just the three of them. Lorenz had trouble remembering what exactly happened, leading up to it, but he remembers taking a bite of his food - and something feeling horribly  _ wrong _ about it. He didn’t even remember what it was, he just remembered his face scrunching up involuntarily in his effort to not vomit. 

It hadn’t gone unnoticed by Hilda and Sylvain, both of them ending their conversation to face him. Both had what Lorenz could only assume were looks of pity. It only made Lorenz try and force down...whatever it was that he had been eating, only for it to backfire and leave him on the verge of vomiting. 

“Lorenz? You’re looking really pale, what happened?” Hilda asked, her eyebrows furrowing a bit as she looked at him. Lorenz just averted his gaze to the table, shaking his head slightly so that he did not have to respond verbally. Then he thought about it, realized that they would probably be angry that he wasn’t speaking, and forced himself to swallow just to respond. 

This proved to be a mistake, because immediately after that Lorenz gagged and had to try even harder not to vomit. He held a hand over his mouth, as if that would really help, before mumbling an apology through his hand.

Sylvain seemed confused...and some other emotion that Lorenz couldn’t recognize at first. It took him an embarrassing amount of time to realize that Sylvain was looking at him in  _ worry _ , and by then both Sylvain and Hilda had jumped out of their chairs to stand next to him. 

“Are you sick? I can carry you back to your room if you don’t feel good.” Lorenz knew that Sylvain was just trying to be courteous - after all, he probably looked very pathetic having nearly thrown up just from one bite - but he couldn’t stop the rise of embarrassment in his body. His hand twitched up to start brushing through his hair, and for once, he didn’t stop it.

“Lorenz? Can Sylvain carry you back to your room...er, should he? Just nod or shake your head,” Hilda eventually said. Lorenz only felt worse about it all, but he did manage to shake his head no.

“Are you sure?” Lorenz nodded his head. Hilda didn’t seem so sure about it, but she nodded back.

“What happened?” Sylvain asked, clearly confused but still worried - something in Lorenz’s stomach twisted at that, and he just shook his head, staring at the ground as his hand went through his hair. Normally he would have already forced it back down, but...it helped, somehow. He would rather not make himself look more pathetic than he already had just now. 

Hilda was quiet for a moment, probably thinking - before tapping Lorenz on the shoulder. Lorenz reluctantly looked up at her, forcing himself to maintain eye contact. No matter how much he may have wanted to continue staring nearly anywhere else.

“Did you not like the food? Was there something wrong with it?” she asked quietly, furrowing her eyebrows.

Lorenz only shrank in on himself, guilt starting to creep up on him. He knew it, he had insulted and offended her, and all because he couldn’t force himself to eat one little meal without nearly throwing up; and all because it felt  _ wrong _ , as if that was an excuse. Hilda continued to stare at him, Sylvain doing the same. Eventually Lorenz forced himself to nod - as much as he would have liked to lie, he doubted that he would be able to get away with it. 

“Mind letting us know what was wrong with it?” Sylvain asked eventually, hands raising up when Hilda turned sharply to look at him. “What? I’m just asking so we know for next time!”

Lorenz grimaced, but he still didn’t speak. While he wasn’t on the verge of throwing up anymore, he still found himself unable to speak. As though there was a wall in his throat preventing any words from getting out. He just stayed quiet, looking away from Hilda and back at the ground while finally forcing his hand out of his hair and pulling it down to his side. 

“...Are you gonna answer?” Sylvain asked again, then letting out a loud “Ow!” when Hilda promptly smacked him on the arm for...some reason. “What? I’m just asking!”

Needless to say, no matter how much Lorenz may have asked them to drop it when he finally found his voice again, they didn’t want to let it. Lorenz supposed that they were just worried - though that didn’t ease the knot in his stomach at all. He found himself barely able to speak even when he had found his voice, and he found his hand running through his hair more often than not.

Although - and, admittedly, it took a long while for Lorenz to figure this out - they never had whatever they ate that morning again. Maybe that was why he couldn’t remember what it was. Both Hilda and Sylvain also always made it a point afterwards to ask if what they were eating was okay with him.

He pointedly ignored the strange warmth in his chest when he figured it out.

\---------------------

Lorenz found himself being dragged along by Sylvain, Hilda a few steps ahead talking about how he should really meet Holst’s wyvern if he was going to keep staying over, and why didn’t she think to introduce them sooner? 

Lorenz would have liked to point out that he wasn’t exactly keen on meeting this wyvern, but he found that his voice had decided to replace itself with a giant lump as it so often did. So he just let Sylvain drag him along, trying to force his heart to stop pounding so hard and so fast, barely aware of his free hand almost tugging on his hair. 

In what felt like an eternity to Lorenz but was in reality only a few moments, they had arrived at the stables where Holst’s wyvern - as well as the other animals belonging to various members of the estate - were kept. Sylvain pulled Lorenz up beside him, holding his hand tightly as Hilda ran into the stables. Lorenz couldn’t stop from tightening his grip on Sylvain’s hand, admittedly a bit relieved when Sylvain squeezed back - despite how...scattered his nerves were, for lack of a better term, somehow Sylvain’s hand in his helped to soothe them.

Only a couple minutes later, Hilda began walking out of the stables, making an odd sort of motion that Lorenz assumed meant “come here”. Except she wasn’t facing them, she was actually walking backwards out of the stables, making that motion with her arms as a giant wyvern followed her out.

Lorenz tried not to tighten his grip on Sylvain’s hand. His free hand did end up in his hair, tugging at the strands despite the fact that Lorenz didn’t even realize this until he felt the tugging sensation in his hair. He felt his breathing speed up, his hand starting to tug more furiously at his hair as an absolutely  _ terrifying _ wyvern followed Hilda out of the stables. He had to force himself not to hide behind Sylvain.

“Lorenz, this is Vanti!” Hilda gestured to the wyvern, Vanti apparently, as the wyvern began to approach him. “Don’t worry, Vanti might look scary, but he’s a big ol’ teddy bear!”

All Lorenz could think as the wyvern approached him was  _ in what way is a giant wyvern with sharp teeth anything like a soft teddy bear?! _

Sylvain chuckled softly next to him. “Don’t worry, I was pretty scared when Hilda first introduced me to him. Unless you make him mad, he’s actually really nice!”

As he spoke, he raised the hand that was holding Lorenz, adjusting his grip so that Lorenz’s palm was on the outside. Then he held up Lorenz’s hand up to the wyvern - you can’t really blame Lorenz for tensing up as much as he did when he realized what Sylvain was doing. 

“Don’t think about it too hard, that’s the real trick to it. Just hold your hand out, and let Vanti come to you,” Sylvain said quietly, a small smile on his face as he let go of Lorenz’s hand. Lorenz was admittedly tempted to try and grab it back, but he didn’t dare moe; not when there was a giant wyvern sniffing at his hand, staring directly at him.

Lorenz squeezed his eyes shut, tensing as he looked away - even if his eyes were closed, he didn’t want to know what would happen if the wyvern decided to take a bite out of his hand. There was a moment of silence, and then he felt something...rather nice moving underneath his hand. Smooth, even with the ridges here and there, and he found that he really liked the feeling.

Tentatively, he opened one eye, looking to see that the wyvern - no, Vanti - had moved his head into Lorenz’s palm, nuzzling into it. Carefully, Lorenz moved his hand to run up and down Vanti’s head, ready to jump back if Vanti were to respond with hostility. Yet that didn’t happen at all! Instead, Vanti just pushed his head against Lorenz’s hand more, even rubbing against it!

Lorenz might have tried, but he couldn’t tell - the point is, he felt a laugh bubble up out of his throat as he continued to pet Vanti’s head. He vaguely realized that there was probably a huge smile on his face, but he couldn’t find it in himself to really care. 

Eventually he did manage to tear away his gaze from Vanti, only to accidentally lock eyes with Sylvain. Who was staring at him, eyes wide as his mouth stayed open in an “o” shape. Lorenz stopped petting Vanti, only for a moment as he felt the smile fade from his face. Sylvain quickly raised his hands up, making a sort of waving motion.

“Sorry, sorry! I didn’t mean to stare, I swear!” He said quickly, his face slowly turning as red as his hair. “I was just...um...wondering what you were doing with your other hand.”

Oh. Lorenz hadn’t realized it, but his other hand had dislodged from his hair to...flap. Lorenz didn’t really have another word to describe it, but he was admittedly embarrassed when he realized it was happening. He quickly forced his hand back to his side, as Father had taught him.

“M-My apologies, Sylvain,” he muttered, looking at Vanti again, “I, um, I hadn’t meant to do that. It just, um, happens sometimes. Father has been trying to get me to stop…”

“I’ve never seen you do it before though,” Hilda began, an odd tone to her voice, “so it should be fine for right now, right?” 

Lorenz looked up at her, surprised. What was she saying? Was she suggesting that he...disobey Father? 

“B-But I c-couldn’t! I-I’d be b-betraying F-Father’s efforts i-in helping me s-stop!” he stammered, trying to focus on the feeling of Vanti’s scales underneath his hand rather than the growing nervousness in his mind.

“Nah, it’ll be fine!” Lorenz looked at Sylvain to see the latter smiling, hands behind his head as he grinned. “What he doesn’t know won’t hurt him, right? We won’t say a thing, promise!”

Lorenz still felt unsure, but when he looked at Hilda, at least partially expecting her to disagree, he was surprised to see her nodding along with Sylvain’s words.

...Well, if they both agreed that it would be fine...maybe Father would not mind, just this once. 

“Anyways...I’m glad to see that you like Vanti, Lorenz!” Hilda said with a bright smile, waving her hand in the air as though she was trying to wave away their previous conversation.

Lorenz couldn’t help but smile back, Vanti letting out a low rumble as Lorenz continued petting him.

\-----------------------

Though they played outside often whenever Lorenz visited the Goneril estate - how odd was it that Lorenz found himself looking forward to each visit more and more - they would also watch Holst and Miklan training. Sure they didn’t do it as often - sometimes the training they did wasn’t safe for them to be around, or they were out on missions. If given the chance though, the three of them would often be sitting in the training grounds, watching the troops train. 

Whenever they did watch the troops train, Lorenz would often be petting Vanti. Somehow it was soothing to just run his hands over Vanti’s scales, and he would often join them in watching their training. Holst didn’t seem to mind - in fact, he seemed rather pleased that Lorenz enjoyed being with Vanti so much and vice versa.

Usually, watching the soldiers train was an enjoyable experience. Yet somehow, this time was different. The sounds of weapons clashing was grating on his ears, and Lorenz found himself running his hand across Vanti’s scales more and more, his other hand starting to tug at his hair. There was a persistent feeling of buzzing beneath his skin and no matter how many times he ran his hand across Vanti’s scales or through his hair, it was still there and steadily growing.

Alright, this was fine. He would be fine. Sylvain and Hilda wouldn’t mind if he left, right? He had done so before, and they didn’t comment on it aside from asking what he wanted to do next. So it would be alright this time if he left...right? His eyes moved to go look at the doors to the training grounds, only to widen.

The doors were closed.

The tension only seemed to increase, his eyes darting back to stare at the ground. Distantly, he realized that his breathing had started to speed up, and he tried to force it to slow down. What was wrong with him? He shouldn’t be so bothered by the doors being closed. He should be fine, why was the tension building up so much, why was it getting worse  _ how was he supposed to make it go away- _

This didn’t go unnoticed by Sylvain or Hilda.

“Lorenz? Lorenz, are you okay?” Hilda asked. Out of the corner of his eye, Lorenx could see an expression he recognized as worry on her face, and that just made the tense feeling in his body worse.

“Hey, you’re gonna start tugging your hair out if you do that,” Sylvain said, and only then did Lorenz realize how hard he had been tugging at his hair. 

In hindsight, Lorenz knew he was just trying to help. Sylvain was reaching to try and pull his hand out of his hair because Lorenz was tugging at it too hard. Although, that knowledge did nothing to change what happened. 

As soon as Sylvain’s hand touched Lorenz’s, the tension that had been building in his limbs suddenly  _ exploded _ .

Suddenly everything was way too much yet just not  _ enough _ , nothing felt real and Lorenz felt like the wind had been knocked out of him. He couldn’t feel a thing but somehow the sound of clashing metal was a hundred times louder than before, as was the shouting. Shouting? Why was there shouting? Why were they-?

His throat hurt. Was he screaming? He didn’t know. Goddess he couldn’t even  _ see _ , what was happening? Had something happened? There was more shouting, and the sound of metal clashing stopped. He could hear footsteps thundering towards him. Was he moving?  _ Why couldn’t he make himself stop? _

Talking. Someone was talking. What were they saying? Something grabbed at his hands and he couldn’t stop himself from flinching away. His hands were immediately released, but he found himself mourning the loss. The touch was, however brief, still soothing, and now it was gone and he just felt so  _ lost _ -

He felt something going down his face. It was wet. Was he crying? Goddess, this was humiliating, someone make it stop  _ please _ he barely had any control over himself and he hated it. 

There was suddenly a pressure all around him. It...It helped, a bit. Lorenz felt a whimper escape his throat, and he felt his body shrink into the pressure. He didn’t know what it was, but it stopped that awful feeling of not being in control of himself, so he accepted it. It took him a moment to realize that there was someone talking in a soft voice, though he couldn’t understand what they were saying. 

It took a while, not that Lorenz had a way of telling the time, but he eventually felt the sobs quiet down to sniffles and the screams eventually fade into nothing. At last, he felt the last of the tension in his limbs disappear, and felt himself slump into what he now realized were Miklan’s arms. Had Miklan been holding him this entire time? 

“How’re you feeling now?” Miklan asked, the worry evident in his voice. Faintly, Lorenz could hear Holst asking if he was alright.

“...’m tired…” Lorenz murmured, feeling exhausted beyond belief. Truthfully, he wasn’t sure if he’d still be upright if it weren’t for Miklan holding him up.

There was a moment of silence, before Miklan quietly said, “Okay, up we go.” That was Lorenz’s only warning before Miklan lifted him up.

He couldn’t stop himself from tensing at that, though Miklan quickly spoke as soon as he did.

“It’s alright, I’m just gonna put you in bed, okay? Are you okay with me carrying you?” He asked, and after a moment Lorenz nodded, relaxing a bit in Miklan’s hold.

He had closed his eyes, intending to just rest them for a moment, and ended up falling asleep. When he woke up, he was already in bed; Hilda was asleep on one side, and he could hear Sylvain snoring on the other. Though he was tempted to get up, a bit surprised to find them sleeping next to him, he found that he didn’t really mind. If he had to be honest...he was glad to find them there when he awoke.

(And if Lorenz noticed that they never watched the troops train after that day, well, who was he to say something?)

\----------------------------------

Lorenz still found himself shivering, even though he and Sylvain were currently sitting in front of a roaring fire on a surprisingly soft chair. Then again, it was the middle of the winter - perhaps he shouldn’t be so surprised that it seemed so difficult to stay warm. Sylvain somehow didn’t seem to mind though, a big smile on his face as he told Lorenz about the surprisingly disastrous first meeting between Miklan and Holst.

Sylvain had laughed as he retold the story, clearly finding the whole thing amusing. And strangely enough, Lorenz couldn’t help but laugh along. There was something about Sylvain’s laugh that managed to pull out smiles and laughs from Lorenz as though he was simply picking flowers.

Somehow, Lorenz didn’t really mind. 

Sylvain had just been regaling Lorenz with how Holst once made one of the troops do laps around the training grounds just because he wouldn’t stop teasing when suddenly he felt a weight on his shoulder. Lorenz tensed, his eyes widening before turning his head to look at Sylvain.

Sylvain, who was currently resting his head on Lorenz’s shoulder and still talking as though he was still sitting upright!

“S-Sylvain,” he managed to choke out, embarrassment turning his face red. What if someone were to see?! “Sylvain, y-you do r-realize what y-you’re doing, r-right?”

“Whaddya mean?” Sylvain sounded confused, before immediately saying, “Oh, you mean what I’m doing right now?”

Lorenz could only nod, all of his senses focused on the boy resting his head on his shoulder as his heart raced. His hands twitched in his lap before one of them reached up to start going through his hair. 

“You’re warm, and it’s cold,” Sylvain said simply.

That...that made sense. And admittedly, Sylvain was rather warm as well, a nice change from the cold. Although he was definitely caught off-guard by the sudden weight on his shoulder...he found that he didn’t truly mind. In fact, he had to say that he enjoyed it. The hand that was previously running through his hair eventually came back down to rest in his lap once more.

Sylvain kept on talking, his voice softer now as he began speaking of a fairy tale Miklan had told him about a long time ago. Lorenz would have liked to say he listened with rapt attention, as his father had taught him to do, but that would be a lie. 

In reality, Lorenz found his eyes slowly closing on their own, an odd sensation through his body as he listened to Sylvain talk. The other boy’s voice was soothing to listen to, enough that Lorenz found himself fighting off sleep as much as possible. Yet he failed in that, his last conscious thought being that he would like to hear Sylvain talk more, if he was going to sound as happy as he did then.

When Lorenz woke up, Hilda was leaning on his other shoulder, sleeping soundly as Sylvain snored quietly. There was a blanket wrapped around the three of them, and Lorenz found that he couldn’t tell how much time had passed. Though, he found that he didn’t truly mind. 

Perhaps if Lorenz had more will, he would have gotten up then and there. But he didn’t. He found himself feeling...comfortable. As it was, he allowed himself this one moment of weakness. It would just be this one time, it should be fine, he thought to himself. And he closed his eyes, allowing himself to fall asleep once more.

\------------------------

Hilda had wanted to give something to Lorenz. The three of them were heading to Hilda’s room so that she could give him...well, whatever it was she had made, when they heard shouting. Shouting that was coming from one of the meeting rooms that Lord Goneril rarely used. He had frozen in place, staring at the room where the muffled shouting was coming from. Both Sylvain and Hilda had stopped as well, albeit only once they realized Lorenz had.

“Lorenz? Are you alright?” Hilda asked, and Lorenz had to force himself to nod.

“I-I will be f-fine, Hilda. I...I was unaware L-Lord Goneril h-had visitors o-over today,” he managed to say, still staring at the door to the meeting room.

Hilda was quiet for a moment. Then, in a low voice, “That’s weird. I didn’t know either. Dad doesn’t yell like that normally either.”

Lorenz knew that. In all the time Lorenz had spent with the Gonerils - Goddess, how long had it been? It hadn’t felt like that long since he first arrived at the estate, but in reality years had gone by. Regardless, in all the time he has spent with the Gonerils, he had never once heard Lord Goneril raise his voice. Not to Hilda or Holst, not to Sylvain or Miklan, not to  _ anyone _ . So for him to be yelling now...Lorenz couldn’t stop the shudder that ran through his entire body.

In reality, Lorenz just wanted to get away. He wanted to leave, he wanted to get as far away from the yelling as he could. Looking at Hilda, it seemed that she felt the same. Her eyes kept shifting between him and Sylvain, gesturing for the three of them to leave. 

Sylvain, on the other hand, kept staring at the door, an odd look on his face. 

“Sylvain, we should probably just go. Whatever it is that Dad is yelling about, it can’t be good. Besides, he’ll probably tell us about it later, so no need to stick around, right?” Hilda said quickly, and Lorenz felt his eyes widen. Wait, was Sylvain intending to listen in?!

“You guys go on ahead,” Sylvain said, the odd expression on his face seeming to affect his voice as well. “I’ll be there in a bit, don’t worry.”

Hilda scrunched up her nose, clearly not liking what Sylvain was intending to do. Lorenz had to agree. Attempting to listen in on what might have been intended to be a private meeting would not end well for Sylvain if he were to be caught. But Sylvain did not seem to share that line of reasoning, because he simply grinned when Lorenz opened his mouth to hopefully try and convince Sylvain to just  _ leave _ with them.

“I’ll be fine you guys, I’ll just listen for a bit and then I’ll meet up with you at Hildy’s room. Relax.”

Lorenz didn’t want to go. He was admittedly terrified of the thought of something happening to him if he and Hilda left. But Sylvain seemed so sure, and it didn’t seem like Sylvain was going to be convinced to come with anytime soon. He felt someone grab his hand, and he looked to see that Hilda holding it, frowning in concern as she stared at Sylvain.

“You better come straight to my room then,” she said simply before pulling Lorenz along. Lorenz almost wanted to pull himself free, if only because he wanted to make Sylvain come with them. Almost.

It felt like there was a weight in his stomach as he and Hilda walked to her room, neither of them saying a word. The silence settled in his stomach like a heavy weight, and it took Lorenz a moment to realize just how hard he had been tugging on his hair in order to try relieving the tension settling in his limbs. It seemed like an eternity before they reached Hilda’s room.

Far longer than it would have felt if Sylvain were with them, Lorenz couldn’t stop himself from thinking.

Hilda pushed Lorenz - well, push was a strong word, guided perhaps? - Lorenz to sit on the bed while she walked to the dresser and started looking for something. Lorenz’s hands fidgeted in his lap. Despite knowing that Hilda just wanted to gift him something, however surreal the concept seemed, he couldn’t help the nervousness bubbling in his veins. He knew Hilda well enough that it couldn’t be just a cruel prank - though that did little to stop his mind from coming up with the possibility of Hilda revealing that her gift was that she never wanted to speak to him again for something he had done.

After a moment, Hilda let out a quiet, “Aha!” and turned back to Lorenz, holding a small box in her hands. The box was tied shut with a ribbon. She walked over in just a few steps, a smile returning to her face as she almost shoved the box into his hands.

“Well, open it! I wanna see what you think!” She giggled. Lorenz felt the weight in his stomach lighten slightly, and slowly he tugged away at the ribbon so he could open the box.

When he did open it, Lorenz couldn’t help but stare in wonder.

It was a rose. Not an actual rose - as soon as Lorenz picked it up, he knew that it wasn’t real. As he ran his thumb over the “petals”, he felt metal in his palm - was it a clip? He looked up at Hilda, and he felt a smile poking at the edges of his mouth. 

“It’s amazing, Hilda,” he almost whispered. “Y-You...you made it f-for me..?”

“Of course I did!” Hilda seemed to glow at Lorenz’s words. Then she took the rose from Lorenz’s hands. “Here’s how you wear it...”

Not even a minute later, Hilda had pinned the rose to his shirt. Lorenz didn’t think the smile on his face could grow any wider. He heard the door open behind him, both he and Hilda turning to look at who walked in.

It was Sylvain. Lorenz felt a wave of relief wash through him that Sylvain didn’t seem to have gotten into any trouble - though the smile on his face seemed more strained than before. Lorenz was about to ask what had happened when Sylvain’s eyes landed on the rose, and the strained smile morphed into a much more amazed one.

“Wait, where’d you get that? Is that the thing Hildy was making for you?!” Sylvain exclaimed excitedly, Lorenz nodding in response. “How the heck did you do that?! I’m serious, Hildy didn’t let me even  _ look _ at it, always hiding it before I even got to peek!”

“Because you would have blabbed about it the first chance you got, and I wanted it to be a surprise,” Hilda said simply, ignoring the offended “Hey!” from Sylvain.

Lorenz couldn’t help but laugh. He wouldn’t mind being able to do this forever - staying with Sylvain and Hilda, spending time with one another. Rather selfishly - and this was something Lorenz would never admit to anyone - he wished that he  _ could _ keep doing this forever, where his main concern was what games Sylvain and Hilda wished to play rather than how he could please Father instead of disappointing him.

(Later, when he had returned home and Father informed him that he would be attending the school of sorcery in Faerghus and he would have to stop his visits to the Goneril estate until he had graduated, the only thing ringing through Lorenz’s mind was that this is what he got for being selfish enough to long for something that could never be.)

\------------------------------

The school of sorcery wasn’t bad. It really wasn’t. The professors were all very pleasant people, and his classmates seemed to be nice as well. Lorenz did enjoy learning magic, and truthfully wished he could cast his first spell soon. 

The school of sorcery wasn’t bad. But Lorenz would rather be back at the Goneril estate than here.

It was funny, really. How it wasn’t until he was forced away that Lorenz realized just how much he loved being there. How much he truly enjoyed being able to spend time with Sylvain and Hilda. How much he  _ missed _ them now that he was no longer able to see them at all. He raised a hand to the rose Hilda had gifted him, one he now always kept pinned to his shirt if not in his pocket. 

(Once, just once, Lorenz wondered why the Goneril estate, why being with Lord Goneril and Holst and Hilda and Miklan and Sylvain felt so much more like  _ home _ than home actually did.)

There seemed to be a constant tension bubbling in his veins now. Sometimes the professors would speak just a tad too loud, or there’d be one too many people brushing against him in the halls; maybe the students talking in the halls sounded far too jumbled and loud for Lorenz to feel comfortable with, or something else that Lorenz had yet to identify. Sometimes Lorenz was able to force himself to calm, sometimes he could force himself to not repeat the embarrassing incident at the training grounds all those years ago.

Sometimes he couldn’t. At least Lorenz was able to isolate himself before anyone witnessed his weakness and found a way to tell his father. 

Now it was the end of the day, walking back to his dorm room. Lorenz had been at the school for only a couple of months, yet he felt as if he went through them in a daze. His excitement at being able to learn magic was admittedly smothered by how much he wished he could go back. Back home.

(Whether that home be his father’s estate, where he had grown up, or the Goneril estate, where he...where he felt  _ alive _ ...

He wouldn’t be able to tell you, truthfully.)

Each of the students had a personal dorm, and by each door, there was a small metal box meant for letters addressed to the students. Normally Lorenz would walk past without a second thought, but…

He looked at the box, thought about it for a moment, then unlocked the box, opening the lid. Lorenz felt his heart skip a few beats when he realized that there was actually a letter inside. He pulled it out, forcing himself to go slowly so as not to seem desperate, locking the box again and walking inside of his room. As soon as he closed the door behind him, he looked down at the envelope, flipping it over expecting to see it sealed with the Gloucester seal.

Instead, he saw that it was sealed with the Goneril one, and Lorenz felt his heart soar. Admittedly frantic, Lorenz almost tore open the envelope and pulled out the letter, reading the words greedily. Then reading again, and again after that. Lorenz almost felt his throat clog up with the sobs he was struggling to keep down.

It was from Sylvain. Really, it shouldn’t have been so remarkable. The handwriting was rather sloppy, something that was all the more apparent when he saw Hilda’s handwriting at the bottom. It was written in a rush, that was obvious, and Sylvain mostly wrote about what had happened in the time that he had been gone. Then he said that they missed him, and couldn’t wait to see him again.

Lorenz swallowed down a sob, but that didn’t do anything for the simultaneous soaring yet sinking feeling in his heart. They missed him,  _ they missed him as he missed them _ . Yet he just felt the longing he felt only grow stronger; not for the first time, he wished that he would be able to go home soon.

After a few moments of rereading the letter, no matter how dull its contents may have seemed to anyone else, Lorenz hurried to his desk. Haphazardly pushing away the other materials that were there, he pulls out a blank piece of parchment and begins to write. It wouldn’t be rude to not respond when you have a letter written to you, wouldn’t it?

\---------------------

Lorenz was going home.

Well, he was returning to his father’s estate, in any case. Father had written to him, the letter tucked beside the new one Sylvain had written to him. He was to return to Gloucester territory immediately. According to Father, the current political climate within the Kingdom made him believe that it would be unwise for Lorenz to continue schooling there. 

Currently he was in a carriage Father had sent for him, reading over the latest letter Sylvain had sent to him. As every time before when he read Sylvain’s letters, Lorenz couldn’t stop the smile that grew on his face as he read. His letters always talked about what he and Hilda were up to, if Holst and Miklan had done anything that Sylvain found interesting - once Sylvain wrote to him about how Holst had tried to surprise Miklan for his birthday and ended up spoiling the surprise completely because he had all the subtlety of a wyvern roar - and occasionally just asking how the school of sorcery was.

Lorenz would always write back, regaling any tales he had of his time at the school - there was a rather interesting one where a girl with bright orange hair nearly blew up the school’s kitchens simply because she wanted to bake treats for a friend of hers - as well as commenting on the stories that Sylvain would write to him.

Usually his heart would feel lighter when reading Sylvain’s letters, but this letter made his heart soar much higher than he ever thought possible. 

_ So um, Lorenz, I like you. I like you a lot, like, more than friends. Hilda’s laughing at me right now because she thinks I’m sounding like Holst, which I DON’T. If I sounded like Holst, I’d be writing something like, “Oh my dearest Lorenz, how my heart aches at our distance! I find myself wishing you were here so I could profess my love to you immediately!” _

_ Writing in Holst-speak is weird. But I just wanted you to know that I really like you Lorenz. Enough that I can say that I love you. And...I hope you feel the same! _

_ Love _ _ Sylvain _

Love.  _ Love _ . Sylvain loved him. And Lorenz didn’t have to think for long until he realized that he loved Sylvain too. Lorenz felt himself smiling at the thought. He couldn’t  _ wait _ to write back to Sylvain, honestly he could hardly wait to see him again. And he really didn’t.

The trip back to Gloucester territory was a several-day trip, so whenever the carriage had to stop, Lorenz would pull out the letter and work on it. And he had quite a bit to say, it seemed. Though the letter was turning out longer than anticipated, Lorenz couldn’t say he was unhappy with it. At the very least, he was able to express his delight that Sylvain  _ loved  _ him and how wholeheartedly he returned those feelings, and was able to finish the letter before they arrived at the estate.

Truthfully, Lorenz had to repress a shiver upon stepping inside the manor. Had it always seemed so...cold? Perhaps he was just imagining it. Yes, that had to be it.

Belatedly, Lorenz realized that his father wasn’t there to greet him upon his return, nor was his mother. That was alright, Lorenz told himself, he could make sure to send the letter before going off to find his parents. He made sure to seal the envelope after going to his room - he could have sworn his room wasn’t so dreary… - before rushing outside of the estate. He approached one of the servants, handing them the letter and making them promise to ensure it reached his destination. Afterwards, well, he walked back to his room, a small smile on his face as he walked back to his room, his hands flapping up and down.

...That had been a mistake, as he would later realize.

When Father called Lorenz into his office, initially, Lorenz thought nothing of it. Father would often call Lorenz into his office in order to keep track of his progress during training. Perhaps he was calling Lorenz into his office to ask how the school of sorcery was. 

As soon as he entered the room, he knew that wasn’t the case. Both Mother and Father were there, a rare occurrence. Father also looked very  _ displeased _ . Mother simply stood off to the side, silent.

Mother stayed silent a lot. 

“Y-Yes F-Father? You - You asked for me?” Lorenz said, cursing himself for stuttering yet forcing himself to maintain eye contact. Father was already displeased, best not upset him further.

“I did. I had sent you to that school in order to rid you of awful influences, but it seems my efforts were in vain.” Lorenz felt confused. What awful influences? 

Then Father held up a letter. A very familiar letter. Lorenz felt his eyes widen as his hands twitched at his sides when he recognized the writing.

_ And Sylvain? I love you as well.  _

Father’s expression, which had previously been a frown, morphed into a scowl. Lorenz wished he could disappear. His vision was starting to prick black at the edges. He could feel his breathing start to pick up. 

“We have much to discuss.”

**Author's Note:**

> Lorenz: is actually happy
> 
> Count Gloucester: Im about to end this man's whole career
> 
> ANYWAY IF YALL WANNA SEE A HELLA GOOD POST ABOUT WHY LORENZ IS AUTISTIC THEN ITS HEERE  
> https://sircastanets.tumblr.com/post/188052908635/gemellath-sircastanets-pharlooms-me-and
> 
> AND ONE LAST TIME - IM S O R RY THIS TOOK SO LONG TO WRITE


End file.
